Don't Postpone Joy

Nothing says we’re not ready to have nice things like the mother finally being revealed on HIMYM, and the masses yell out “But she’s not pretty enoughhhhhhhh”

I swore I was never going to do it. I was never gonna touch the stuff. My favorite tv shows and movies all have the same cheesiness for a reason, because the best love stories have always hinged on two people being cosmically brought to the same place, by the random right people, in this moment where every star aligns and everything good comes into play and by no means is an internet connection involved. And yes, I’m purposefully excluding “You’ve Got Mail.” It just doesn’t hold up.

But I have quite a few friends who have tried it. By and large, the reactions have been positive. I don’t have a single friend whose met their soul mate using the systems, but they have 

• had some pretty cool or interesting dates
• not been murdered.

These are the basic qualifications I hold when I do most things. Skydiving? Seems interesting but might involve someone packaging my parachute wrong and them BAM! Accidental murder. Shellfish? Lovely animal, but god forbid I’m allergic and then, BAM! Sebastian from The Little Mermaid is going away for 10-25 for involuntary manslaughter.

So I made a profile on a website (I won’t say where, but I will say I refuse to have an online dating service be billed to my credit card and thus stuck with one that was free), I filled out my necessary and personality information, and then I waited by the printer for the readout on my future bride. I was given a pretty comprehensive list of women, and started to go through them.

I was immediately freaked out, for a lot of reasons. This particular website, NoWayStupid, likes to give you a lot of match lists; the percentage of how much each person would fit you, handpicked computer matches, and “rated” matches (as in, this person rated you highly, would you like to pay $5 to see what they look like and maybe you won’t have to try to awkwardly introduce yourself to strangers anymore?) So, in a way, they were covering their own ass in a lot of ways, making sure that everyone had some sort of choice in the deal, and not what it really is; if you and the other person message each other, find some compatability, and determine that no one is going to be revealed to be Chris Hanson or the nerdy dude from the MTV show about fish, you decide to get to know each other. That’s a lot of pressure to get the right photos, answer the questions correctly, and put on more of a bullshit show than you might even do in person.

Here’s what has been really throwing me, though. The amount of legwork these sites put in is kind of amazing, covering so many bases so thoroughly that it’s hard not to be charmed by a lot of people being thrown at you. I’m more worried about missing that connection more than usual; what if this person is a perfect match for you, but god knows you will never ever get to meet them because you don’t like one picture of themselves they have, or vice versa. What if I completely blow someone off, because their winning personality and devilish smile isn’t 100% captured in the written word and 8x8 box graphic of themselves, or vice versa. 

This is what will ultimately keep me at an arms length of the internet dating world. I’ve fallen for girls because of the way they’ve surprised me, the way they dance in the streets, the way it feels to touch them, and the way it feels to be needed or regarded highly be somebody and to catch those moments in the simple things you share together. There are some lovely girls on this, but in the back of my head I can’t help but feel that little tick you felt the first time you saw someone you liked and thought, “Will they like me too?” Or, Vice Versa. I’m really ultimately afraid of the entire vice versa of it all

I don’t know any guy that has Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, or January Jones in their crush list. Which is weird in your 20’s and 30’s to have a crush list. But still, my celebrity crushes (as a 22 year old man) are all girls with personality: Alison Brie, Jennifer Lawrence, Olivia Munn, Emily Blunt. The days of crushing on a girl without personality seem long gone (save for maybe Kate Upton…). Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve dated the pretty girls who aren’t that interesting, maybe because I’ve grown up loving movies with a very smart female lead, or maybe because my mother was the funniest person I know. Any way you slice it, my friends, my co-workers, they all seem to think the save way. Keep your weirdly fake breasts, your overly white smile and tan skin, or your carbon copy blonde clones. I want someone whose quirky, someone whose interesting, or someone who I’m dying to spend time with because the butterflies I feel don’t come from basic physical attraction. 

Oh, yeah. And I’m single for Valentine’s Day. Very single. As you can probably deduce