Don't Postpone Joy

Today has been a good day. Mind you, I’m beat, but its a good beat. I worked, did two classes, got dinner with my lil bro, and caught a semi nap (one of those you relax and do very little, but don’t actually sleep kind of moments). I even caught a run, the second time I’ve done so in two days. I don’t blog about that as any sort of back pat, but I know if I say it on here, I’ll have to run more days this week otherwise I’ll still look lazy ALL OVER THE INTERNET.

Anyways. My roommates and I then proceeded to hang out for a little bit until one of them decided, hey, its Tuesday night and its barely 10. We should go do something. They talked of going to a friends place to knock back a few. I immediately acknowledged that I’d be sitting anything out, on account of my legs feel like jello and I’m pretty out of it as is. So they take off, I head to my room, play on the internet for awhile, shoot off some messages. Then, the nightly ritual of a shower. Sometimes its a very quick procedure of just washing off very quickly, but tonight I wanted to unwind, so I grabbed my roommates iPod and our bathroom iPod player and started scrolling. A lot of good stuff, but I’m one of those people that has to get the song to match their mood. Not uncommon, right? I popped out of the Lil Wayne, started scrolling through genres until I hit…..M…..M M Mmmm……Musical! There we go!

Yup. 12th grade, “Trying desperately hard to be cool but goes home and listens to everything he could get his hands on” Cliff Clinton strikes again. It’s not a side many people know of me, but if you toss on a certain few musicals, odds are I’ll wreck into the number un-apologetically. It was what I did tonight. Knowing my roommate had good musical tastes, I knew he’d have one of my favorites on there; “The Last 5 Years”, a Jason Robert Brown tale of two people in a relationship that lasts 5 years; she’s going from the end to the beginning, he’s going from beginning to end, they never share the stage, but they tell the same story from different sides. It’s beautiful, it’s really good, there is no dialogue but the songs tell the whole story.

Anyhow. Not the point. Look it up though. I look through the songs, a partial list (the whole show, poorly recorded but whole, is on Google Video. Do it) but it contained one of the ones I wanted. I tossed it on, popped in the shower, and knowing everyone had peaced out, I sung loudly. With no restraint. With even less talent. I tore through a few songs before finally getting dressed and getting out of the shower. If the whole CD was on there I would’ve stayed in forever.

So I tossed on a towel and walked out of the bathroom. Why not go naked, you ask? I don’t know. I mean, sure, why not, no one is home, right?

Wrong. Sitting slightly to the left of my eyeline, hanging out in his room, is one of my roommates, the one whose iPod it is. He turns around, slowly, as he hears me mutter “Oh holy shit”. He smiles, and I immediately begin apologizing. iPod roommate is a music major, he’s in our acapella group on campus, he’s going to teach kids, and I just destroyed his iPod. I should’ve offered to burn it for him

After fifty unneccessary apologies, I ran to my room and just kind of laughed. I needed a day like this. In all of its joy, in all of its work, in all of its ridiculous moments

I got in a conversation with the ever wonderful Riley Donovan and Kat Jacobs last night. In the midst of one of our topsy turvy adventures, a discussion came up that I’m sure all of us have had; the right time to use the phrase “I Love You”. We have all used it in different ways in our different relationships. From the typical “I Love You Whore”, the person we’ve all come in contact with in some way who uses the phrase too much (after tonight, I’ve put myself in this category. Read on) to the person who has never once used the phrase. We’re all discussing this on different sides of the spectrum, and of course no one is looking to come out of the conversation victorious, but I think we’re all silently wondering if we’ve made the right decisions.

It’s been an interesting little year for me in terms of this. As in, 2011. No, I don’t mean this in a personal setting. In the 17 days that have made up this new year, I’ve stayed perfectly happy in being single, and am not looking to change it. No, I saw a New Year of my parents once again loving my sister and I unconditionally, and that kind of familiar love that I was used to. I saw the tragedy in Arizona last weekend, through the eyes of the media, but most notably I researched the stories of the Stoddards, a couple who had been married after their respective spouses had passed away, once high school sweethearts reconnected and lived into their mid-seventies. Dorwan and Mavy went to go tell Mrs. Giffords that she was doing a good job, at least Mavy wanted to. But when bullets started flying, Dorwan threw himself in front of Mavy, ultimately saving her life and ending his.

Am I a romantic? Not as much as I’d like to bill myself, no. I feel like a lot of guys my age state that they are romantic so they don’t have to sleep alone that night. I’ve been guilty of it before (to no avail). But, I digress, the end of 2010 saw a disturbing pattern in my life; rushing. I knew too many people who were rushing into bad romantic situations. Too many early marriages or early engagements or, god forbid, early pregnancies. I’m 20. None of these people I knew entering into these kind of things were much older, certainly not more so than any fingers I had on one hand. Hell, even I was guilty of rushing. It might have just been something in the air. But any conversations that I had with any friends from high school became a bad “Guess Who?” You know, guess whose suddenly married. Guess who is a Dad. Guess who is dating now seemed so important a year ago, you know?

I have constantly been impressed by one couple though. I won’t state their names, they know who they are if they read this, but to make this a relatable blog post, I’ll call them Boy and Girl. They were the people who I spent all day at Disneyland with today, so I got to see this loud and clear. I don’t really know how to describe it, either, because when you see true love between a couple that aren’t your parents, you find descriptions hard. But they’ve been together for almost a year and a half. He’s a friend from a time ago, and she’s a new friend through him. They started off like any other couple, cuddly and spending all of their time together and all of that jazz. Fast forward it to now, though, and that affection isn’t lost. They work together, they live together. They are truly each other’s best friend, deeply attracted to the other one on all levels, and clearly designed by God (or whatever you personally wanna believe in) to be with one another. Like, in a way i’ve NEVER seen around people my own age. They are 100% open constantly with the other. They didn’t change when they got together, not in the negative cliche way (well, I can only speak for him, but she doesn’t seem like she has). They love the best things about each other. They never nag, don’t really fight publicly. They actually found the perfect person in one another. They’ve been begged numerous times to get married, settle down, start a family. Neither of them are even 25 yet. But there is no better connection I’ve seen in my young life, and no happier people together These two, Boy and Girl, could exist perfectly with the other, never bicker about who has to pay for who, and never really need anyone else in the world as much as they need the other person.

I’ve caught myself rambling. I’ve tried to put what can’t be minimized into words. And I can’t show you it either. But she watched as he and I sat on Tom Sawyer’s Island and pretended to be robots to passengers going by on boats. He makes her laugh over and over. She carries snacks in case he gets hungry. He makes sure she gets home early enough cause she has work early in the morning. And when a How I Met Your Mother episode came on that left them with a question (Who was reaching, who was settling), they called me for an opinion. And I had none.

Perfection leaves no grasping, it leaves no jamming pieces in the wrong part of the puzzle. Yes, it will always require work and struggle and hardship. But, as many of us can attest to, there’s a difference in working on the puzzle and jamming in a blue piece into a 50,000 piece puzzle of all sky. Because that’s how rare it can be. But I’m more content with working on finding the right piece than ever jamming a piece in.

I have a few favorite youtube videos. Everyone does, I think. That small handful of your favorites that you always go to in a social setting, or bring up to break awkward conversation. “Hey, have you seen that one with the ducks blowing over in the wind” “How funny is the Count from Sesame Street bleeped out” “We should watch Bed Intruder or How to keep a Well Stocked Refrigerator”.

One of my favorites will always be the old Bill O’Reilly one, called “Bill O’Reilly Flips Out”. It’s when he worked on Inside Edition a few years ago. It’s great, its him doing a few tapings, and the teleprompter has some sort of flagrant mistake. He tries to work through it a couple of times, and then he just starts yelling out profanities, repeating the phrase “F*** it, we’ll do it live”. The best part is that he does it live perfectly, and would have gotten away with the meltdown….if the show didn’t cut to a wide shot of O’Reilly, throwing his coat off and clearly screaming at everyone around him.

We are now two weeks into the New Year. And I find myself drawing lines to relate these things. I can’t help but thinking of my resolutions, and how I’ve not really done a damn thing to get to them different. What is that old saying, insanity is doing something the same way over and over again? Sure, Bill O’Reilly is insane, but are we? Like, matter of face speaking, do we think we’re crazy as we keep saying we’re going to do one thing and actively doing the opposite? If A is B and B is C then A is C and yes, yes we really are.

I’ve done my best to open my eyes to it though. Yes, my two big resolutions were to exercise more and not to anything stupid (with girls, money, or otherwise). The first one I expected failure. I fully expected to still love sleeping in and candy more than most other things in life. But I’ve also laid out a really well meaning plan to lose this weight, especially if I want to keep doing shows and not be dead before Louis CK or Adam Carolla, who have treated their bodies like dumpsters. In terms of the second goal, I’m actually pretty proud. After a semester of single handedly destroying my bank account, my so-called love life (this is a rash overstatement, but it goes well with this rant so just enjoy it and don’t ask questions), and my own general hope in my own ability, I am doing just fine in 2011. Nothing I’m ashamed of, embarrassed over, or whatever. I do imagine a few close friends reading this and laughing, but really its been ok.

But the point isn’t any of that. The point is, are we driving ourselves slowly insane? Let’s face it, none of my friends are inventing the new iPhone or saving humanity or doing anything TRULY amazing. No, we’ve served ourselves to a similar plate of sorrows that we ate for the holidays last year. Same problems with the opposite sex, same not having enough money, same general unhappiness. I still hear the words of a depressed Charlie Brown in my head, 21 days after his words no longer became relevant in the context of time

Maybe this is the year I’ll get it right. Not because I truly have faith that our lives are that different. Not because I don’t hope and pray every night for good things and safety. But maybe because its a bigger year. I have bigger responsibilities, I have a bigger responsibility to my family, I have a bigger responsibility to myself. I just owe more to more people than I ever have before, and have come off a very tumultuous year where it feels like very little can actually hurt me. So, you know, guns a-blazing, let’s do it live.

1. Obnoxiously loud people: I don’t mind loud, but when you mix self obsessive and loud, I usually want to run away from you. More often than not, this falls under obnoxious girls, but once or twice there will be some sort of loud ari gold type person (minus the success) who can’t shut up
2. Games: More than anything in life, I hate game playing. It’s been covered before. It should die
3. Lost perspective: I’ve been guilty of this too, but anyone who is more worried about what is going on with themselves and only themselves, and blowing little things way out of proportion, is terrible. Yup.
4. Food Fights: I couldn’t think of a fourth one

Yes, much like everyone else, I’m about to cheat. But there will be cute little explanations so, yeah, deal with it

1. My family: After what’s been nothing short of a hellish few last years, I couldn’t ask for a stronger group of people in my life. Definition of unconditional love
2. Delts/129: Yes, some of them more than others (which might seem rude,) but from the Delts who I got to teach ritual ed in this last year to the delts who constantly have my back, text me about my blogs after they’re up, or give me a hard time for not being funny. Some of my best friends, my roommates, and the people who’ve consistently had my back this semester are the men of Delta Tau Delta. Hell, one of them graduated before I even got to Chapman. (129 was added so I never forget Riley Donovan in anything)
3. My core group from high school: Scotty, Drew, Cris, Chase, Brie, Sarah, and my drama friends, my time at home has shown how much you helped me in my life and how much I miss you. 
4. Camp friends: You people make my summer consistently amazing. I don’t wanna lose that
5. You: In case I didn’t cover you already. You read, you voted for me in the comedy competition, and I forgot to mention you. Sorry, you rule

Not crazy deep

1. Lost my Albertsons gift card I got this Christmas (so much chicken gone)
2. Yelled at my parents for most of my junior and senior year
3. Not done more acting in high school.
4. Not written more
5. Not fighting harder for one or two people in my life
6. Not taken more big risks in my life

Sure, most of these are random. But it’s my mind, not yours. You’re just reading the transcripts

1. What are my fantasy football scores right now?
2. Crap. Do I know that person? I feel like I’ve seen them before. Is her name….Karen? No, no one’s named Karen anymore. Wait, she’s smiling. And approaching. Crap. I need a name. Alright. I’m just gonna stick to Karen.
3. Can I afford doing this (dinner/disney trip/random adventure/other)
4. How’s my family? Are they ok?
5. Is this the right thing to be doing? Is this honoring God?
6. What would Lorne Michaels do?
7. Why am I not at Disneyland right now

Day 5 on its way…

I find it fitting that this is the one I get to do today. Anyone whose friends with me on facebook knows that I joked that, according to the “Love Actually” rule of film, Christmas=Love, therefore any (good) movie about love is a Christmas movie.

And by the way, I know that the titles doesn’t suggest these all have to be this necessarily romantic, but what the hell.

1. Witty Intelligence. Look, any guy will look at any girl, but I have been knocked on my end over and over again by any girl who can verbally spar with me and then flash me a cute smile. Kryptonite.
2. I’ve never been a sucker for “hot” girls. In all actuality, its probably helped me not overlap with a lot of my friends in the past. But a girl whose very cute, especially if she has her own unique flair or spunk, has always been an A+
3. Spend some time with me. Give me a little bit of time, buy into the crazy world that is my own, and odds are I’ll show you a great little adventure.
4. Football and movies. And, well, Disneyland.
5. Quote How I Met Your Mother to me, and I’ll stop whatever I’m doing.
6. Talk music with me, and I’ll be the same way. Mind you, there probably will need to be a click, but it’s a good opening of the door.
7. I love the idea of someone taking the first move; romantic situation or not. Someone demanding your presence somewhere for something spontaneous and fun has quite the appeal, whether its a girl demanding a wine night or a guy rounding people up for laser tag.
8. Honesty. I’ve really come to hate games, teasing, and playing with people in my romantic life. Hell, it even angers me with friends. Open and completely honest relationships of any kind are a nice break